Yes, it’s true California has the death penalty unlike cold weather states like Wisconsin or Massachusetts. However, you need not worry about California’s death penalty thanks to judges like Stephen Reinhardt who will ensure that the only people who die in our beloved state will be the people you kill. Despite the millions of Californians who voted to institute the death penalty, Mr. Reinhardt believes that they are all too stupid to know that lethal injection is actually cruel and unusual punishment for the likes of Richard Ramirez, Richard Allen Davis, Scott Peterson and Alejandro Avila.

    And speaking of Richard Ramirez, after he was sentenced to death way back in 1988 he said, “Big deal, death always went with the territory. I’ll see you in Disneyland.” Thanks to Judge Reinhardt, death no longer goes with the territory. Twenty-two years after the Night Stalker’s vicious killing spree he has even got married and now he invites you to join him and his lovely new bride in the conjugal visit room. California’s death row is the place to be because, after all, over six hundred death row inmates can’t be wrong.

    You’ll spend years enjoying your own private cell, endless appeals, high powered ACLU attorneys and access to whatever your heart desires because you are a condemned man. You’ll rub elbows with celebrities like Mike Farrell and Alec Baldwin. If you’re black, you’ll also be visited by Jamie Foxx and Jesse Jackson. As an added bonus, the more heinous your crimes the more of a celebrity you will become yourself.

    But wait, there’s more. If you are already a celebrity and are planning to commit murder then California is definitely the place for you. Just ask O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake. For the low, low price of thirty million dollars you too can kill a spouse and an innocent bystander while skipping death row entirely. After book and movie deals the murder will pay for itself.

    That is only if you are caught to begin with. If you drive away from the crime scene slowly, the odds are that a police officer will not stop you and find the body in your trunk while he’s searching for a small bag of marijuana. So come kill in California - Where you get all the perks of being sentenced to death without actually having to die.